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The last thing most of us want is an angry person in our face. But sooner or later, it is bound to happen. So what should we do, and more importantly, what should we avoid doing?
These questions were posed to Ryan Martin, known as the Anger Professor, by Raj Punjabi and Noah Michelson, co-hosts of HuffPost's "Am I Doing It Wrong?" podcast. Martin shared insights on how to handle anger effectively.
Why 'Calm Down' Doesn't Work
Michelson recalled Martin's tweet: "Never in the history of 'calm downs' has 'calm down' calmed someone down." Punjabi added that 'relax' might be even worse. Martin agreed, noting that these phrases fail because people in an elevated state are not thinking rationally and are defensive. Direct statements like 'just breathe' also have little impact.
Model Calmness Instead
Martin, a psychology professor at the University of Wisconsin-Green Bay, suggests modeling calm behavior. Speaking in a softer, gentler tone can help others match that tone, rooted in evolutionary history. This approach reduces intensity without triggering phrases that escalate anger.
"It's frankly manipulative, but it works," Martin said. "Speaking in a gentle voice and staying calm yourself can decrease the elevation. Offer minimal encouragers to let them vent."
Validate Without Agreeing
Once the intensity drops, you have an opportunity to respond. Martin advises validating feelings without agreeing with the cause. For example, say, "You're obviously really upset about this, let's talk through solutions together." This validates emotions while maintaining your position.
More Tips from the Episode
The podcast also covers three questions to ask before getting angry, what to do before sending an angry email, and more. Listen to the full episode for additional strategies.
Subscribe to "Am I Doing It Wrong?" for the third season, featuring episodes on apologizing, overcoming anxiety, online shopping, dental care, booking hotels, making friends, dealing with breakups, and more. Visit Ryan Martin's website and Instagram for further resources.
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